Following the recent interest in star signs I have consulted my astrological charts and, utilising SHADO’s most powerful computers I have been able to provide astrological readings for each star sign for the coming month.
Capricorn: 22nd Dec – 19th Jan
Hang on to your wallet. Bills will flood through your letterbox this month, bringing demands for that payment that you have been so studiously avoiding. Perhaps it is time to tell your family about your gambling problem.
Lucky pencil: 2B
Aquarius: 20th Jan – 18th Feb
A wet and watery month. Be wary of strangers promising a quick and easy fix for your roofing problems. You need the ridge tiles replaced, not the flashings.
Lucky stone: Welsh slate
Pisces: 19th Feb -19th March
Something fishy going on this month. Skydiver crew members need to be particularly careful when deciphering sonar readings. Blue whales have a signature that is remarkably similar to a submerged UFO and, with Neptune in ascendance, chances of a watery mishap are high.
Lucky sauce: Tartar
Aries: 20th March – 19th April
New experiences abound this month, as Mercury tries to play cupid and gets it all wrong. Avoid hitch-hikers however much they look like Colonel Lake. Later in the month you will have a surprise night away, but with any luck your blood/alcohol reading will come back under the limit.
Lucky drink: Root beer
Taurus: 20th April – 20th May
Mars tries his best to annoy you this month with tempting offers and like a bull in a china shop you will rush into things only to regret your impetuosity later. Step back and consider. Do you really need that home gymnasium? The membership to that exclusive Golf Club? Will you really use either? Late in the month a nasty accident involving a rope will leave you in a full leg plaster cast for eight weeks.
Lucky exercise: skipping
Gemini: 21st May – 20th June
Two inauspicious meetings this month. Firstly with your boss and then later with the employment office. No luck. Perhaps you need to consider a change of career. There are few opportunities for redundant Lunar Module pilots in today’s environmentally aware society.
Lucky qualification: MSc Astrophysics (M.I.T.)
Cancer: 21st June – 22nd July
This month your ruler dashes for cover and leaves you to deal with the aftermath of recent events. You may be feeling smug, but it is all about to come crashing down. You should never have sent that text message. Or at least you should have made sure that you were sending it to the right person.
Lucky communication: postcard
Leo: 23rd July – 22nd Aug
Leo. The sign of the lion. Act bravely for once. Stand up to your boss. Demand a payrise or that better fitting uniform. What’s the worst he can do? Sack you?
Lucky medication: Amnesia drug
Virgo: 23rd Aug – 22nd Sept
A hard month ahead. You should have acted earlier. If you had cleaned out the filter on the dishwasher it would still be working. Tough.
Lucky object: Rubber gloves
Libra: 23rd Sept – 22nd Oct
The artist within you comes to life and you rediscover a long hidden talent for drawing. Go for it. Sign up to that Life Drawing class, but be prepared for disappointment. Your easel will be situated on the wrong side of the nude. Never mind. There is always next month.
Lucky model: Paul Foster
Scorpio: 23rd Oct – 21st Nov
Not much to say here. Nothing happens. Except you wake from the coma on 20th Nov, having missed the whole month.
Lucky garment: pyjamas
Sagittarius: 22nd Nov – 21st Dec
A good month for getting out in the fresh air and communing with nature. In the privacy of your own garden who cares what you wear (or don’t). Just remember to be careful when cutting back the nettles.
Unlucky item: Machete