Alternate Universe

UFO fans may be unaware of the fact that there are numerous alternate UFO universes. In some of these universes (universi?) you might find Ed Straker having sex with a dragon and getting a tattoo, or discovering that he has magical abilities or even, perish the thought, falling in love with a member of his own organisation.

Following strenuous searches, and a considerable amount of bribery, over the past months we managed to acquire and download several accounts from these alternate universes in earlier issues of the Herald (they can also be accessed via the private sites of our own, highly specialised and dedicated, archivists).

This month we are fortunate to be able to publish an exclusive report, written for The Ed Straker Herald by one of its agents, code-named DarkLeader. DarkLeader is one of our foremost reporters, working under strict secrecy. She has infiltrated the enemy’s homeworld on several occasions and is, even now, preparing for a new mission. We hope to bring you further updates as we receive them.

The following is a top-secret account, detailing procedures in one such alternate universe. It begins with events recorded in the SHADO report titled: Confetti Check A-OK.

TAGS: Contains scenes that some readers may find amusing. Maybe. Depends on your own warped universe.

IF you are a chlorine-breather from the forty-ninth dimension, please stop reading before this point and call for Level 32 assistance yesterday.
……………………..

A large room. Somewhere. Men sitting around a table. (oh… this may look familiar,, but…. read on!)

STRAKER
The Earth is faced with a power threat from an extra terrestrial source. We’ve moved into an age where science fiction has become fact. We need to defend ourselves.

FRENCH DELEGATE
And how long would this… Defence Organisation take to set up.

STRAKER
We estimate seven to ten years.

ENGLISH DELEGATE
Ten years. But you tell us the danger is imminent.

STRAKER
That’s true, sir. But the type of organisation we need can’t be set up overnight. All I can say is any delay only increases the danger.

FRENCH DELEGATE
The estimate for security is astronomical.

STRAKER
It’s a vital aspect.

FRENCH DELEGATE (grumpily)
Everything seems vital.

GERMAN DELEGATE (muttering under his breath)
How would it be organised regarding personnel?

STRAKER (in a resigned tone of voice)
On strictly military lines. We would try and recruit the best people available.

GERMAN DELEGATE
Internationally?

STRAKER (even more resigned)
Yes.

FRENCH DELEGATE
And who would command this international… band of heroes?

U.S. DELEGATE (snarkily)
My government has stipulated the Commander in Chief must be an American

FRENCH DELEGATE (even more grumpily)
Yes, we know…

U.S. DELEGATE (even more snarkily)
As the nation being asked to dig a little deeper into its pocket…

FRENCH DELEGATE (at his most grumpy)
Naturally. Naturally.

ENGLISH DELEGATE (exasperatedly)
We asked Colonel Straker to answer our questions. I suggest we let him do so.

STRAKER
Well, the Commander will have to be a man of dedication, single mindedness. A man who knows the enormous responsibility of the job and accepts it.

ENGLISH DELEGATE
We have no objections to the Commander being an American, but as the nation who will be hosting the headquarters, we reserve the right to name the organisation. I understand that several suggestions have been put forward? UFODoe? SHADO? Neither of these are acceptable to the British government. We propose that the headquarters be named the Command Location for the United Extra-terrestrial Defence Organisation. Any objections?

THERE IS SILENCE.

ENGLISH DELEGATE (smugly)
All agreed then? Excellent. Thank you, Colonel. You may go.

………………………..

HENDERSON
You did a fine job Ed. You know that they want you to run the organisation? To be its Commander-in-Chief?

STRAKER
Who, me? I thought they would ask you General. After all….

HENDERSON
Look at me. I am going to be in this wheelchair for months yet. We need a man who can start work now, who knows what is needed. You are that man. Now. Are you going to accept?

STRAKER (sighing)
I suppose I have no choice.

HENDERSON
You don’t. But, congratulations anyway Colonel.

 

Ten Years Later:

C.L.U.E.D.O.

The world’s largest ‘black-ops’ defence force.

From a secret base hidden deep beneath a huge shopping complex, CLUEDO deploys its forces in the continuing fight against alien invaders. Its officers are better dressed than the British Grenadier Guards, better equipped than the SAS and trained to make the U.S. Marines look like panty-waists. This elite force of operatives spend months undergoing rigorous and exhaustive preparation for their role as supreme guardians of Earth.

Leading the fight, one man fate has made indestructible (Sorry.. wrong fandom – scratch that last sentence.)

At the forefront of the fight, CLUEDO’s most vital piece of manpower, Colonel Ed. Brassica-Straker (generally referred to as Colonel Straker)

The enemy? Unknown. Shadowy figures from beyond the edges of our Solar System who come here to kill innocent humans without reason, and then disappear, unless apprehended.

Each week Colonel Brassica-Straker (my god, Ed Straker is going to KILL me for this!!) leads his team in a desperate hunt for the creatures from outer space, and then, using whatever implements are available,(shades of MacGuyver there) eradicate the intruders.

No one knows where the enemy will strike next; perhaps under the sea in one of the massive submarines that patrol the abyssal deeps and which are captained by fit young men from all over the world. Each one well equipped, and with a powerful jet aircraft codenamed SKY 1, although this jet aircraft can be called ‘VER I’ depending on which side you are looking at (think about it!).

The enemy may even strike at Moonbase, where the CLUEDO women, whose purple caps protect them from the enemy’s brain-washing energy beams, are ready, day and night, to repel unwanted advances as well as make cups of coffee (with two sugars) for Colonel Brassica-Straker. (Okay..OKAY.. I won’t mention the Brassica bit again – I promise. Just put the gun away Ed, please.)

CLUEDO Scientists have spent years designing a special range of clothes, called Gay-Wear, for Moonbase operatives. This is a new type of anti-bacterial, water-absorbent, odour-eliminating clothing intended for space missions. The line includes shirts, pants and socks as well as tight-fitting coveralls which can be removed in sections.

However, all male staff, apart from those with senior standing such as Commander Br- (typo there- Honestly Ed!.DarkLeader looks around fearfully, wondering if Colonel Brassica-Straker is nearby.) Commander Straker and Colonel Freeman, are required to wear the full advanced level of protection in the form of a one-piece overall without pockets. Although we wonder why we were not permitted to see the Commander in one of those tight, figure-hugging, tight, silver, tight overalls that were so …tightly..tight. (Oh my…….. DkLdr wipes drool from her keyboard.)

Female operators receive three uniforms although male operatives are usually allocated four outfits, due to the inability of the male species to be able to understand the universal rule of ‘One spare, one to wear, one in the wash’.

Colonel Brassica-Straker (last time, Ed.. I promise. It’s not MY fault that Brassica is the latin name for Mustard!) deploys his staff throughout the organisation, although there have been some complaints that only females who have achieved ‘Big Hair 5’ status are permitted to enter the closed confines of CLUEDO headquarters.

Tune in next month/year/galaxy/dimension for further details of CLUEDO’s organisation and their intrepid battle against alien invaders.

Same time, same e-zine, different universe! (Unless Colonel ‘Mustard’-Straker discovers DkLdr’s hiding place.)