Colonel Alec Freeman reads your stars:
Commander Straker was too busy this month dealing with the recent Herald ‘hacking’ situation, to continue his studies into astrology . However, I used my own personal knowledge to ascertain the coming month’s events for each Star Sign.
So here is your August horoscope, with a definite ‘holiday theme:
Capricorn: 22nd Dec – 19th Jan
Jupiter moves into your sphere this month to play havoc with your plans for a pleasant fortnight away from it all. Camping. Sounds so ‘rural’ and ‘back to nature.’ You wish. Just don’t blame me. I am warning you here and now.
Avoid: Sewage works
Take with you: Noseplugs
Aquarius: 20th Jan – 18th Feb
With Mars in ascendance, this is a good time to sit back and let others do the work for once. It will no doubt cause arguments, but after all, if he insists on you taking the back seat of the tandem why shouldn’t you let him do all the pedalling? It’s supposed to be a cycling holiday, not the Tour de France for heaven’s sake! Freewheel a little!
Avoid: Hills
Take with you: an inflatable cushion
Pisces: 19th Feb -19th March
Safari? Not such a good idea with Mercury retreating and the moon in a state of flux. Recent evidence has proved that lions eat more when the moon is full so it’s best to decline that late night trek to see the new cubs.
Avoid: Bright moonlit nights
Take with you: Details of your next-of-kin
Aries: 20th March – 19th April
Mars, the bringer of War, steps in to make his presence felt this month and causes ripples of discontent throughout vital areas of the country. Travellers will be disrupted and tempers will fray, especially in the baggage handling department.
Avoid: Heathrow Airport on the 13th, 14th 15th 16th 17th 18th 19th 20th 21st 22nd (oh sod it.. the whole month)
Take with you: A complete spare set of clothes. (You will never see that suitcase again)
Taurus: 20th April – 20th May
Think carefully before you rush headlong into the travel agents for a last minute holiday. That cheap break in a mystery location? Turns out to be a fortnight in a tenement block in the centre of Dounreay, next door to the nuclear power station on the very tip of Scotland . Well, you did ask for somewhere ‘buzzing’!
Avoid: Haggis
Take with you: Geiger counter
Gemini: 21st May – 20th June
Machu Pichu , Ayers Rock, Yosemite, The Louvre, Red Square. Do you feel the need to travel a lot? Itchy feet, we call that ? Ah.. no. Sorry. YOUR itchy feet are down to Athlete’s foot. Next place you need to visit is your doctor’s.
Avoid: scratching
Take with you: anti-fungal powder!
Cancer: 21st June – 22nd July
One phrase will resonate with you this month (particularly on the 9th). No. Not ‘Did you pack this suitcase yourself?’ or, the more ominous, Will you accompany us please?
No. This phrase will give you nightmares for years to come. — Are we nearly there yet?
Avoid: Holidays with children. Especially if they are YOUR children.
Take with you: Earplugs
Leo: 23rd July – 22nd Aug
A ‘staycation’ probably seemed like a good idea at the time, especially as Uranus has been causing so many personal problems recently. But you will be rudely awoken early one morning by the local constabulary who have been alerted that there is someone in your house. Silly you, trying to impress your neighbours by telling them you are touring the Amazon, instead of being honest and saying you are going to stay at home for the holidays. Being dragged out by burly policemen when you’re in the buff does NOTHING for your credibility (and some of the comments are, quite frankly, derogatory to say the least!).
Avoid: sleeping in the nude.
Take with you: A sheet?
Virgo: 23rd Aug – 22nd Sept
You are never too old to try something new. That weekend course looks just the thing – a chance to make new friends and discover new skills. And you can astonish your family with the culinary delights that you are going to learn. Ah. Sorry. Does ‘How to make your own haggis?’ count as a culinary delight? Doubtful . Perhaps that other course on unblocking drains might be more appreciated.
Avoid: Anything made from oatmeal and the internal bits of a sheep
Take with you: A full set of drain rods ( and some rubber gloves).
Libra: 23rd Sept – 22nd Oct
Neptune leaps into action this month to ensure that things do not go smoothly. With his usual casual disregard for others, he sets things in motion and the resulting chaos will ensure that this will be a holiday that you will never forget. Sightseeing? No chance. ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’, I think it is called,.. or maybe ‘Delhi Belly’. Whatever, you spend the entire time locked in the bathroom. Nice.
Avoid: that quaint little local restaurant and the ‘Chef’s Special’
Take with you: spare loo rolls…. LOTS of them
Scorpio: 23rd Oct – 21st Nov
The twenty-third of the month brings you back to Earth with a bump. Yes, it will be a fabulous holiday. Good food, good company, good weather. Everything you could possibly hope for. And about time. You deserve a decent break. But. Prepare yourself for a shock when you get home.
Avoid: telling your ‘friends‘ (all 637 of them on Facebook) that you are going on a cruise for a fortnight.
Take with you: Whatever you can. There won’t be anything left once the burglars have stripped your house while you were wandering round the pyramids!
Sagittarius: 22nd Nov – 21st Dec
Venus moves in mysterious ways this month, to
liven up your Singles Holiday in the Caribbean . A quiet stranger approaches you. How exciting. Tall, dark, handsome. And with a rather endearing Columbian accent. ( You know where this is leading don’t you! Do I have to spell it out? Sigh. Yes. But you won’t pay any attention. I know. You don’t REALLY believe in Star Signs do you? Pity. It would have saved you a lot of bother. And a criminal record.)
Avoid: sniffer dogs at the Miami customs barrier
Take with you: anything EXCEPT that ‘present’ that Miguel wants you to deliver to his ‘Aunt’ in Miami.
Until next month!
Colonel A. Freeman
Chief Astrologer and Whisky taster.