Dear Dr Jackson,
I have been advertising for a new flat mate for the last few months, and despite all my posts on the Staff notice board, I was unable to get anyone suitable until last week. My new flat mate appeared to be perfect, (although I was hoping for a tall, blond, blue-eyed Virgo, without success).
However, I have just discovered that the person with whom I am now sharing my flat is actually, to my horror, born under the Star sign of Capricorn. This is appalling. I specifically requested either a Virgo or an Aquarius. I cannot sleep at nights for fear that I will wake up murdered by this psychotic maniac. We all know what sort of reputation Capricorns have. Please advise me.
Yours in the stars,
Gemini
Dear Gemini,
As a practising Clinical psychologist who has achieved the highest standards of excellence in my field of recognised scientific study, I will endeavour to allay your unsubstantiated yet deep-seated subliminal fears.
Astrological symbolism as we understand it today, started in a far-distant Babylonian society that looked to the stars for guidance in the simplest of everyday matters. When to plant crops, when to harvest, when the floods might come, when to take one’s car for a service. Such simple, everyday actions as that. There are in fact thirteen star signs, but astrologers found it difficult to squeeze the thirteenth symbol into the calendar as this would have disrupted the lunar calculations. And perhaps they had already printed that year’s astrological calendar and did not wish to waste valuable papyrus.
One can only speculate.
Of course those distant astronomers believed that the Earth was the centre of the universe and that all planets were in motion around an Earth that was itself shaped like a flat disc. (note to self: re-examine initial psychological evaluations for subject ‘Gemini’ with specific regard to possible membership of Flat Earth Society)
Despite all the evidence to the contrary, however, some individuals still persist in holding onto these outmoded astrological beliefs, possibly as a form of adult ‘security blanket’ in the absence of any form of logical or rational thought processes. Fortunately SHADO has developed new psychometric tests to ensure that all recruits to our organisation have a complete understanding of the truth behind the fallacy of astrological birth signs.
In order to facilitate your treatment, and following intensive consultations I have arranged for you to have a new flat mate. There should be no conflict of personalities as the person in question is a tall, blond, blue-eyed Virgo who is not only SHADO’s foremost astrophysics expert but who has expressed a desire to instruct you personally in the relevance of astrophysics as opposed to astrology.
I have made an appointment for you to see me in a month’s time at 14.00 hours. Depending on the outcome of the report from your instructor, coffee may be provided afterwards.
Dr Jackson