Dear Dr Jackson,
I am an unmarried scientist in my thirties, and although I have, in the past had a string of short term but intense romances, most of which have ended in disappointment.
I now find myself attracted to my boss. He, however, seems to completely ignore my advances despite all my attempts.
I find myself running after him, stealing surreptitious sips from his coffee, even batting my eyes at him in an effort to make him aware of my existence, but to no avail.
What can I do to make him notice me?
Yours desperately,
Utronics Expert
Dear Utronics Expert.
Oh dear.
I have, in the interests of our readers, shortened your extremely lengthy letter, but, it appears to me that you are suffering from Self-Defeating Personality Disorder. This is a condition that manifests itself in several ways, but primarily through the desire to put yourself into situations where disappointment and failure are inevitable.
Your inability to accomplish certain tasks, for example: programming the computer to get a scientific answer, is one facet of this disorder, as is the tendency to provoke angry responses from the person that you are attracted to with the result that you then feel hurt and rejected.
My clinical studies have shown that your actions will in fact have the opposite effect to the one you desire and that your boss is more likely to have you transferred to another department rather than tolerate your behaviour for much longer. There are plenty of attractive and available young men in SHADO who would be more than happy to accommodate you and help you to overcome this unfortunate condition.
I am sure that, given the opportunity you would soon find that your behaviour is little more than a schoolgirl crush, and that you would find fulfilment with a man who is at least aware of your charms. Perhaps you have not considered looking beyond the confines of the command staff.
I can assure you that the medical team, and in particular myself, are all highly experienced in dealing with the emotional needs of our female staff.
Please come to my office tomorrow after work to discuss this matter. I can assure you that I am more than happy to work with you to explore other options that are available.
Yours, Doug.