Ed Straker reads your stars:
I have once more consulted my astrological charts and, utilising SHADO’s most powerful computers I have been able to provide this month’s astrological readings for each star sign.
Capricorn: 22nd Dec – 19th Jan
That crisp white envelope that drops on the doormat around 26th January brings sad news. Aunt Agatha passed away. But, there is some good news on the horizon; she left you her shares (all 6,000 of them) in Microsoft.
Lucky item: silicon chip
Aquarius: 20th Jan – 18th Feb
The flood in your bathroom on 3rd March is not caused by blocked drains. You need to remember to close the shower door in future, and it helps to keep the window open to prevent the build up of condensation.
Lucky shower gel: Radox
Pisces: 19th Feb -19th March
Your ruler, Uranus, creates havoc with your health this month. Despite the embarrassing nature of your problem, you will still be required to slide down the chute to your Interceptor. Requests for rubber cushion will need to go through official channels but will be treated with sympathy.
Unlucky ailment: Haemorrhoids
Aries: 20th March – 19th April
Your life looks as if it is going to get a lot more interesting this month, with love on the horizon. Your ruler skips into action, with plenty of romantic engagements. Just don’t start looking in jewellery shops. Yet.
Lucky gem: Diamond
Taurus: 20th April – 20th May
Family prove to be a nuisance this month, calling at inopportune moments. Tempers start to rise when you are interrupted yet again, leading to harsh words and embarrassed faces all round.
Lucky time: 9.37pm Saturday
Gemini: 21st May – 20th June
A pair of trousers cause you some problems in the middle of the month. Going commando is not advised. Never rely on zips, they will always let you down when you least expect it.
Lucky garment; jockstrap
Cancer: 21st June – 22nd July
There has never been a better time to get your message across to friends, colleagues and the wider world. People out there are waiting to hear from you. Despite the put-downs from people who want you to fail, you can rise above the petty comments. And they can’t spell either.
Lucky newspaper: The Ed Straker Herald
Leo: 23rd July – 22nd Aug
Leo. The sign of the lion. And we all know what lions do. Yes, that’s right. They sit back and let the lionesses do all the work. So take a leaf from their book. Relax, enjoy yourself, and ease up a bit. The boss won’t notice. Surely.
Lucky promotion: Radar operator, Ittoqqortoormiit Greenland
Virgo: 23rd Aug – 22nd Sept
Home improvements cause some difficulties this month. The lack of a kitchen leaves you relying on take-aways with dire consequences. Prawn Biryani should be avoided, especially if you have no water supply and have to use a chemical toilet.
Lucky game; Solitaire
Libra: 23rd Sept – 22nd Oct
Artistic talent should be encouraged, and your recent purchase of a sketch pad and 4B pencil shows that you are determined to develop your skills, as well as find something to occupy the long hours on duty. However, it is inadvisable to experiment with pop-art graffiti in your work place, even though the walls may look better with some colour.
Lucky solvent: Paint remover
Scorpio: 23rd Oct – 21st Nov
An action-packed month. You visit fourteen different countries in your role as secret agent and international spy. Your skills as a weapons and bomb disposal expert make you widely sought after in all spheres of action. Perhaps it’s about time you stopped playing computer games and rejoined the real world.
Lucky PC game: Worms Armageddon
Sagittarius: 22nd Nov – 21st Dec
Yes, the packet of seeds looked easy to grow. And the plants have thrived in the warmth of your bathroom. But you should have checked the name more carefully. Cannabis ruderalis. You are likely to get a rude awakening very soon when the police arrive. Perhaps you should stick to growing sunflowers.
Lucky soil: John Innes Number One Compost for seeds and cuttings