Transcript of the message from S4eU, currently en route to Sol3
To be edited before release for broadcasting.
Greetings, homeworld. Mission Commander 13m , with news of our ongoing mission. With me are Captain 56b, and First Officer 32g.
Life here on the front line continues to provide us with considerable challenges, not least of which is the boredom of space travel. Despite all the luxuries that are provided for us, the weeks and months seem to drag by ever more slowly as we head to our destination.
The team are working hard to keep our physical fitness at a peak, with regular sessions on the state of the art exercise apparatus that has been provided for our use.
(Pah, call that pathetic piece of equipment ‘state of the art’? State of the rubbish dump more like. Every time we sit on it the seat wobbles, and after a few minutes it’s like sitting on razor blades. And it squeaks. Constantly. We have to wear ear-plugs whenever anyone is using it)
It is just as important to keep our minds active as well as our bodies, and in order to alleviate the tedium of travel between the solar systems, our mission controllers have provided each member of the crew with a personalised education plan which will help us stay mentally alert as well as developing our skills. Each person has a set of assignments to complete and to encourage and inspire us, these are linked to a reward system. It is a great way to keep us occupied, and we have had considerable fun completing the tasks in order to achieve the ‘prize’ for each activity.
(Whose stupid idea was it to insist that we each write a twenty thousand word essay on ‘Water Management and the Use of Bio-regenerative Systems in Extended Space Missions’ BEFORE we were given the ‘reward’ of the code to start up the water recycling system? It got rather desperate here at one stage (Space ships can get pretty ‘fragrant’ when you can’t flush the loo!) And the other ‘prizes’? A packet of freeze-dried non-alcoholic beer. An out-of-date Lottery ticket. A colouring book – without any crayons! )
Besides the academic work we have a pretty eclectic assortment of entertainment tapes, from television shows to films and music as well as audio books to keep us distracted. Many of these tapes have been downloaded from the planet to which we are heading, to show us what to expect when we arrive. It is very interesting seeing some of the programmes and realising the conditions that the Earth people have to endure. The programme that we find most fascinating is one called ‘Thunderbirds.’ It gives us a clear insight into the everyday lives of these people, and prepares us for what we will find when we land on Earth. It seems that the roads will be free of traffic and we should have no problem finding a quiet place to land.
(International Rescue? Really? I thought SHADO was the secret organisation! And I didn’t expect humans to have such big heads or to walk in such a stilted manner. Oh well, It will make them easier to catch I suppose. As for the rest of the tapes; well, just wait until I get my hands on whoever thought that War and Peace would be soothing, or that we like music by some group calling themselves Guns n’ Roses. )
Our food stocks are varied and delicious, and we are enjoying the wide range of varied and tasty meals that have been provided for us, from pork Dijon to steak béarnaise and including some very tempting vegetarian meals that have been a delightful addition to our weekly menus.
(If I ever see another freeze-dried meal of reconstituted fungus covered in thick glutinous brown sauce I will vomit. No, forget that, I already vomited, when I tried that vegetarian casserole. Lentil casserole. Err, no. lentils. That was all. Just lentils. As for the pork Dijon and steak. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING, tastes just like chicken .. including the icecream. )
We are a very happy crew and have formed good friendships since we set forth on our mission. Each crew member is carefully selected to ensure that no one with any psychological problems makes it onto a mission. We are all trained in various psychological areas so that we can monitor each other and stop any problems that might arise, although with such a friendly bunch of crewmates, I cannot see any problems arising.
(First Officer 32g is responding well to the increased dosage of sedatives and hopefully we will be able to release him from the straight-jacket in a month or so. I will ensure that all sharp implements are locked away in future.)
One of the great pleasures that we have on board the ship is the ‘greenhouse’ where we are growing small plants. This innovation has brought us a considerable amount of pleasure and we would strongly recommend that all future flight crews are provided with such a simple and yet important addition. We grow some, such as lettuce, for food and others just because we enjoy green plants. One of the plants has been grown from seeds obtained from Earth, a plant that is frequently cultivated in private houses and also sold for large sums of money. It has been immensely satisfying watching the small seeds develop and seeing leaves unfurl and open. I highly recommend growing plants as a means to decrease the stress levels on board ship. I have included a picture of the plant for future reference.
(We have finally managed to dry the leaves, and, using pages out of one of the ‘educational texts’ that we were given, we have spent a very happy few days ‘relaxing’. The time has flown by. Who cares about collecting organs!)
Mission Commander.. 13m .. signing off…. (And trying to research that plant some more.)