For this special issue of the Ed Straker (may his name be reviled through the universe) Herald, we have asked two of our leading psychotherapists, Doctor Virginia and Doctor Alec to answer your questions.
Dear Doctors,
I recently met a new man in my life. He is everything I could wish for, handsome, wealthy, fun, generous and considerate. He is the man of my dreams and has asked me to move in with him. However, he takes an inordinate interest in my health and has insisted that I have a full medical check-up before we consider marriage. I find this a rather peculiar request, especially as I am a vegetarian who never touches any alcohol and as such I am considered to be in the peak of fitness. He also says that he wants to make sure we are ‘compatible’ before he takes our relationship to the next stage.
I wonder if this is because he has been married several times before and all his wives have died in unfortunate accidents?
I would appreciate any advice you can give me.
Concerned fiancée
Doctor Virginia replies:
Dear Concerned Fiancée,
This is obviously a man who has a long-term relationship in mind. You say he is kind and considerate? He is clearly looking towards marriage, offspring, and living together with you for the rest of his life. This is why he wants to ensure that you are in good health.
He is devoted to you and wants the very best for you in the coming years. Grab him with both hands and don’t let go. Never mind that he has already been married. Accidents happen. I hope that you have a long and happy life together.
And an invite to the wedding would be much appreciated!
Dr. Virginia
Doctor Alec replies:
Dear Concerned Fiancée,
You are right to be worried. This man is not to be trusted. There is currently a thriving market for complete sets of organs in healthy condition, and you are nothing more than a prime side of beef. Married before? Accidents? Really? As we say here; ‘Pull the other one, it’s got bells on it.‘
Get out of there while you still can, and I suggest you celebrate your survival with a large glass of red wine. That is the best way to make your liver much less of a tempting item that can be sold for a good price.
Yours, Doctor Alec.
Dear Doctors,
I am having serious concerns about my husband since his last transplant operation. He has not been the same man. He used to be someone that I could really rely on, helpful and considerate, and always ready to do his best for both his family and his country.
But that has all changed. He is furtive and keeps things secret as well as totally ignoring the needs of his family. He only thinks of himself and to be honest, he acts like a baby at times, refusing to do anything that involves the slightest bit of physical exertion. We paid a considerable amount of money as well for private treatment and I am wondering whether it might have been a mistake.
I am getting to the end of my tether with him and would appreciate any help that you can offer me.
Concerned wife
Doctor Virginia replies:
Dear Concerned Wife,
This is common problem among couples following any major operation. Your husband is probably still recovering from the trauma of the procedure. Give him time. He will come round soon enough. He will soon realise how important his family is and he will get over his reluctance to exert himself in any strenuous activities once the convalescence period is over.
This is a stressful time for any family, but remember, he is still the man you fell in love with and married. He may have a new organ now, but once he gets used to it, things will soon be back to normal.
Yours, Dr. Virginia
Dr. Alec replies:
Dear Concerned Wife.
A black market organ by any chance? ‘Fell off the back of a lorry’ sort of item? You know what I mean. Not properly checked or certified? That is the problem with these sub-standard donor organs that are arriving here without the correct paperwork.
Chances are your husband has been given an organ that would never have been passed for transplant by the authorities. And looking at the medical records that you have enclosed I can see the problem.
No wonder the poor man is acting so badly. Who suggested that your husband needed a brain transplant? And to make matters worse, the brain of a politician. That explains everything. We all know what kind of mind THEY have.
Leave him right now. There is no hope for your marriage.
Yours Dr. Alec